It’s Not Always About YOU!

It’s Not Always About YOU!

Dear thoughtful reader

We all have that one friend, coworker, or even family member who – you know – manages to somehow turn any comment, every story, any moment relate and revolve around them. You tell them about your rough day, and suddenly, they’re sharing how their day was even worse. You mention a headache, and they counter with their week-long migraine. You talk about a triumph, and they quickly jump in with an even bigger accomplishment of their own. You share a personal struggle, and instead of offering support, they redirect the focus to how they dealt with something similar – but of course, much harder and more terrible. Sound familiar?

But wait, what if that person is YOU?

A Hard Truth to Swallow

Now WAIT! Before you go on and get all defensive, just hear me out. We ALL, at some point or another, have fallen into the trap of centring ourselves in conversations, relationships, and even situations that have nothing to do with us. Face it! It’s true! It’s human nature after all. You see, we experience life through our own lens, and our first instinct when we hear something more often than not, is to relate it back to our personal experiences. FACT! However, when this becomes a perpetual habit that you don’t intend to change any time soon, it can have some serious unintended consequences.

Making everything revolve around you may make you think and feel like you’re relating to others, but in actual fact it can make others feel unheard or invalidated, causing strain in relationships. The more you focus on inserting yourself into the stories of others rather than absorbing their perspectives, it can actually prevent you from truly learning from them. Over time, this self-centred approach to relating to others will leave you feeling disconnected and isolated, rather than fostering the deep connections and interactions that you truly crave.

So, let’s talk about why it’s not always about you and how shifting your mindset can lead to deeper and more successful relationships and a happier life.

Here’s the Snag with Making Everything About You

No one does this on purpose, right? It just happens. It’s a natural tendency. We all long to connect, we all desire to bond, we all want to relate and share our own experiences with others. By doing so we truly believe that it will surely help others. But here’s the snag: when we constantly bring everything back to ourselves, we do three things, often without realising the impact it has on others and ourselves.

1. We unintentionally take away from someone else’s moment, signalling to them that their experiences aren’t important or valid.
2. We rob ourselves of the opportunity to genuinely understand and empathise with others even though we think quite the opposite is happening.
3. And, over time, we develop a pesky habit of self-centred conversation that pushes people away rather than drawing them in. People become spectators to our monologues even though it may feel like a two-way conversation to us.

You doubt me? Well, here are some scenarios with clues that can help you identify if indeed in conversations with others you tend towards making things more about you rather than focusing on them:

• When a friend shares their struggles with you, how do you respond? Are you often quick to get in there with a “it’s like what happened to me that one time when…,” or “yeah I know, I’ve been through something similar when…”, or “it’s like me right now with…”, or the classic, “Oh, that’s nothing! Let me tell you what I went through.”
• Imagine a colleague is telling you about a stressful work deadline, do you respond with how your own workload is even more overwhelming.
• Or picture someone grieving a loss, and instead of offering comfort, you bring up a past loss of your own, making it about your pain rather than theirs.
• Or the classic scene where a spouse or a special someone in your life is sharing their feelings to you and your immediate response is to share your feelings in return instead of acknowledging theirs. Spouse: “I felt really hurt when you walked away while I was trying to talk to you yesterday.” You: “well, imagine how I must have felt hearing you say those things to me yesterday. What would you have done if you were in my shoes having to hear your spouse say those things to you?”

Did you notice it? Did you pick up on how in all those cases, the original speaker may feel unheard, as if their emotions were being overshadowed by your experiences and your feelings?

When we redirect (sometimes without noticing) the focus of a conversation initiated by another onto ourselves, we stop truly listening to others. By doing this we sadly miss the fact that deep down, everyone craves to be heard, not overshadowed. No one wants to feel like their words don’t matter and that your words are the only ones worth really listening to. The longer this continues, the higher the likelihood that people will stop confiding in you which is a lonely place to be in. If you’ve ever wondered why you don’t have many close friends – or any at all – it might be worth reflecting on whether this habit has played a role. People naturally gravitate toward those who make them feel valued and heard, and if conversations consistently centre around you, others may slowly pull away, leaving you feeling isolated.

Ssshhhh… just LISTEN!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But what if I’m just relating to what they’re saying?” Wonderful! Relatability is important, BUT – and here comes snag number two – there’s a fine line between relating and redirecting. What’s the difference I hear you ask? Well, if someone is opening up about their struggles, wisdom says consider very carefully if this is necessarily an invitation for you to offer up a similar struggle of your own. Despite your best intentions, what may sound like relatability to you may in fact sound like comparison or an attempt from you to try to one-up their story.

Well, is that a you-problem or a their-problem if they feel that way? UNPOPULAR OPINION: it’s in fact a you-problem. I know, I know, how dare I say that? Well, simply. Have you ever stopped to think that more often than not, when people open up to you, they are looking to be heard, not necessarily be related to? I know it sounds crazy but rather err on the side of caution on this one. Rather lead with active listening and undivided attention first and if that fails, offer relatability next.

“BUT I DO LISTEN!!!” You protest… Below are some tell-tale signs that you may in fact not be truly listening:

• Interrupting frequently while the other person is still speaking – Jumping in before the other person finishes speaking shows that you’re more focused on your response than their words. Even when you know or think you know what they will say next (there’s that pesky relatability thing again), a sign of good listening is that you will let them articulate their thoughts in full – it is their thoughts after all.
• Thinking about your response instead of absorbing their words – If you’re mentally preparing what to say next rather than focusing on the speaker, you’re not fully present.
• Changing the subject – If you frequently steer the conversation toward a different topic, especially one about yourself, it suggests disengagement.
• Giving vague or irrelevant responses – Saying things like “That’s crazy” or “Wow” without actually engaging with the emotions or message of the speaker is often an indication of inattentiveness.
• Lack of follow-up questions – If you don’t ask for more details or clarification, it may suggest you’re not genuinely interested.
• Fidgeting or checking your phone – Physical distractions like looking away, scrolling through your phone, or appearing impatient signal disinterest.
• Repeating yourself or forgetting details – If you ask something they just answered or forget key parts of their story, it’s a clear sign you weren’t fully listening.

The Good News

Now I’m under no illusions that if you are still reading this thus far it’s because you agree with me. But if you’re realising that you may be guilty of this, or you’re just curious as to where I may be going with all this and want to indulge me, here’s some good news. YOU CAN CHANGE THIS AND THIS IS HOW: by becoming self-aware or even more self-aware. Self-awareness is the first step to change.

Exactly what does it mean to be self-aware and what does it look like on a daily basis? Being self-aware is as the name suggests. It’s really about knowing and being in tune with yourself – your thoughts, emotions, habits, and how you show up in the world. It’s like walking around with a personal mental mirror into which you check-in with what’s going on inside you and how that might be affecting the people around you. When you’re self-aware, you can catch yourself in moments of stress, joy, or even stubbornness, and understand what’s behind your feelings at any given moment. This neither always happen instantly, nor does it mean you have everything figured out. But it does mean you’re paying attention to your inner world and are willing to grow. Self-awareness is a powerful tool that helps make relationships better, decisions clearer, and provide you with an overall more grounded feeling in your day-to-day life.

On a day-to-day basis, being self-aware can take on many forms such as pausing before reacting when something frustrates you (taking a breath instead of snapping at someone). Another form of self-awareness might mean noticing and naming your feelings. Then interrogating them to find out why they’ve shown up at that particular moment rather than just pushing through them. Yet another form of self-awareness may be identifying and catching certain life patterns, like realising you’re always drained after talking to a particular person or that you always procrastinate when it’s time for a particular task. Self-awareness can show up in small moments too, like recognising when you need to take a break, or being honest with yourself about your limits, or choosing to listen more during a conversation instead of jumping in. In a nutshell, self-awareness is about checking in with yourself in your mental mirror on the regular and making adjustments based on what you notice.

How can you practically use self-awareness in relationship with others?

The Benefits of Putting Others First

When you stop making everything about you, something magical happens: your relationships deepen, and people trust you more. You become someone others can confide in, not someone they avoid. Plus, you’ll feel more fulfilled because instead of constantly seeking attention or validation, you’re giving it – something that often brings even greater joy.

Here’s what you’ll gain:

• Stronger friendships – People will see you as someone who truly listens and cares.
• Better professional relationships – Being a good listener is a highly valued leadership quality.
• More personal growth – The less you focus on yourself, the more you learn from others.

Final Thoughts: It’s Not About You, and That’s a GOOD Thing

The world doesn’t revolve around any one of us, and that’s actually a good thing! When we step back, listen, and let others have their moments, we open the door to deeper connections and more meaningful relationships. So, the next time you feel the urge to turn the conversation back to yourself, take a deep breath and remember: It’s not always about me and that’s okay! Try it, and you’ll be amazed at how much more fulfilling your interactions become.

You’ve got this sis!

Stay S.H.E.

With Fierce faith in you,