“It’s Not You, It’s My Anxiety!”

How Your Insecurities Are Wrecking Your Relationships (And What You Can Do About It)

Dear gentlest reader

This letter is going to feel like a hug and a bit of an unexpected kick up the derriere—because I wish someone had told me sooner how much my insecurities were quietly or not so quietly sabotaging my relationships. And not just the romantic ones, oh no, but ALL of them! My friendships, family bonds, even work dynamics – none were spared. It was all fair game. Insecurity doesn’t discriminate. If anything, it thrives in intimacy.

The Sneaky Saboteur

Okay, so here’s the thing—I’ve always thought of myself as pretty self-aware. I read the self-help books, I do the journaling, I’ve even dabbled in therapy. Any residual issues I had were just my “quirks” or “things I needed to work on eventually” or so I thought. It took me way too long to realise that these “issues” and “quirks” were actual insecurities, and they were slowly, silently, and repeatedly wrecking my relationships. How you may ask? Well, you see, insecurities don’t just sit quietly in a corner waiting to be fixed. They show up uninvited, crash the party, and start feeding you lies. And the worst part? You believe them.

The sneaky thing about insecurities is that it doesn’t always show up in some big, dramatic, cinematic way. It’s never like slashing tyres or screaming matches in restaurants movie scenes. No, the insecurity ninjas are way stealthier. They show up in texts you never send because you “thought better of it”. They show up in the overanalysing of every little thing someone says. In the assumptions you make when someone doesn’t reply for a few hours. Think for a moment. Have you ever found yourself pulling back from someone just because you assumed they’re going to hurt you? Or start a fight because it felt easier than admitting you were afraid? These don’t just apply to romantic relationships, they apply to friendships too. 

If any of this is hitting home, a nerve, or true, then I invite you to join me and let’s talk about it. No shame, no judgment—just a real conversation about how those nagging doubts and fears are messing with you, and how you can start to pull yourself out of that cycle.

The Many Faces of Insecurity

Let’s break it down, shall we? First off, insecurity is that fear that you’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, funny enough, successful enough… just not enough. It whispers, “They’re going to leave you.” Or “They’re only being nice because they feel sorry for you.” Or even worse, “You’re too much for people.” However, insecurity is so much more than that too. The best way I can describe it is more like an entire cast of characters. Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you the cast of the play Insecurity:

• The Overthinker – the one who takes a two-word reply like “ok cool” and spins it into a 14-chapter novel about how they secretly hate you. The overthinker is often heard saying lines like “Did they sound weird in that text?” “Why didn’t they use a heart emoji?” “I really shouldn’t have said that!”
• The Clinger – the one who needs constant reassurance – just because you loved them yesterday it doesn’t mean you’ll love them today. The clinger isn’t necessarily needy but just scared that they’ll be abandoned if they’re not constantly there and in your face. And ironically, the more reassurance they chase, the less secure the relationship begins to feel. Why? Because the relationship is being based on fear, not trust.
• The Ghost – the one who disappears or pushes others away before there’s ever a chance of them getting rejected, “at least this way, I have the power and am in control” so they think. They are often described as emotionally unavailable.
• The Apologiser – the one who says “sorry” like it’s a punctuation mark. They are always apologising even if the situation doesn’t call for it. They are often seen apologising for things they did not do, or worse, when the situation calls for the other person to apologise.
• The Nervous Wreck – the one who is always jumpy and tiptoeing around expressing their needs or opinions because they’re afraid of being “too much.” The nervous wreck is also prone to interpreting silence or space as punishment.
• The People Pleaser – the one who will mould themself into whoever they think others want them to be with no consequence for who they truly are. Over time, their authenticity is eroded as they are often seen as having no boundaries.

Some memorable scenes from the play include:

• The Baseless Jealousy Scene
  The overthinker picks a never-ending, convoluted fight with the people pleaser over an innocent “like” on Instagram from the people pleaser to a post on the ghost’s reel. The overthinker tried to stay calm but began to spiral and unravel because the people pleaser took five minutes to reply to their text about the Instagram “like”.
   
• Sabotaging Something Good Scene
  The ghost goes to visit their ex (the clinger) with whom they have a co-parenting relationship to explain that they are moving in with the apologiser. The moment of conversation turns into a moment of reminiscing and then one thing leads to another, and the ghost cheats. The ghost texts the apologiser to inform them that they are giving the relationship with the clinger one more try – while the apologiser is left devasted and blaming themselves for being “pushing the ghost too hard” and causing them to cheat. 

For some of us, we can not only relate to these characters but we’ve been all these characters and sometimes all in the same week. I know I’m not alone here. So many of us are walking around with wounds we’ve mistaken for personality traits. We say things like, “I’m super low-maintenance,” or “I’m easy,” and while that might sound chilled on the surface, what’s often underneath is a quiet belief that we’re not allowed to take up space — that asking for more makes us a burden, it makes us too much. We’ve learned to minimize our needs not because we don’t have any, but because somewhere along the line, it felt safer to stop expecting anything at all.

Others of us have the whole “I don’t need anyone” mindset going on — the classic self-sufficient facade. We tell ourselves we’re fine on our own, that we’ve got this, that we don’t need to rely on people. But if we’re being really honest, sometimes that independence is just fear in disguise. It’s not that we don’t want or need connection — it’s that we’re scared of needing someone who might not show up, or worse, might not stay. So we beat them to it. We convince ourselves we’re better off not needing anyone in the first place. You see, insecurity doesn’t always look like doubt or hesitation. Sometimes it looks like being “chilled” all the time, or fiercely independent, or never asking for help. But deep down, it’s often just a fear that our real selves — with needs, emotions, and all — might not be enough or too much.

But here’s what’s really going on. What we’re calling personality traits are in reality defence mechanisms. They’re armour we put on to protect our softest parts — the places that have been hurt or let down before. And the longer we wear that armour, the more we start to believe it is a part of us, that it is in fact us. After a while, we get so used to these defence mechanisms and our armour that we stop questioning them altogether. They become part of the air we breathe — familiar, automatic, even rational. We tell ourselves this is just how we are. That being distant, easy-going, or emotionally self-sufficient is simply our nature. But often, it’s not nature — it’s nurture shaped by fear. It’s the result of experiences that taught us, maybe not in words but in feelings, that being too much or needing too much pushes people away.

And that’s where insecurity starts to creep in quietly. It doesn’t shout; it whispers. It disguises itself as common sense wrapped up in logic. It sounds like wisdom and self-protection, when really, it’s self-rejection dressed up as strategy. The more we buy into this “common sense”, the more we feel like we’re stuck in this mental tug-of-war. On one side we want to feel loved, valued, and close. But on the other side we’ve convinced ourselves that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t stick around. Because of this, we end up playing small, or putting on a version of ourselves we think people will like better. Unfortunately, that’s not connection. That’s survival mode. And relationships cannot thrive when we’re on survival mode.

So Where Does It All Comes From (Spoiler: It’s Not Just You, You Didn’t Make This Stuff Up)

The tricky part about all of this is that a lot of our insecurities make sense. They’re rooted in real stuff—childhood experiences, a parent who was emotionally unavailable, past breakups, friends who ghosted you without explanation, betrayals, past partners who were critical or unfaithful, abandonment, bullying or rejection during your formative years, constant stream of messages from social media saying you’re not enough, Trauma with a capital T, or just the slow erosion of trust over time (this list is by no means meant to be exhaustive). So yeah, it’s not totally irrational that you panic when someone you care about gets quiet on you. It’s not illogical that you brace for impact when things start going too well. It makes perfect sense to treat a partner like a suspect, not a companion. It’s even wise to look for red flags and ignore green ones. We call it intuition, but a lot of the time, it’s just fear wearing a cute hat. All of these and more are completely understandable. But just because something is understandable it doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely no question that our past experiences and more have shaped how we see ourselves and what we expect from others. If you’ve been hurt before (and who hasn’t?), your brain is going to remember it and become wired to anticipate more hurt. Your brain will try to keep you “safe” and “prepared” by assuming the worst. That’s trauma’s way of protecting you. But what helped you survive then isn’t helping you thrive now. Being safe can start to look a lot like lonely. Like hypervigilance. Like convincing yourself someone is pulling away when really, they’re just tired. Or maybe just being. And these are only some of the ways insecurities can undermine our relationships.

What Then Can We Do About It (The Good Part)

Okay, now for the hopeful part because this doesn’t have to be our forever story. How I so wish that I had some magic formula to fix it all. But I don’t. However, I do have a few things that I believe can help:

1. Name It
   Awareness is the first step. Notice when you’re reacting from fear rather than reality. Ask yourself: “Is this thought based on facts or fear?” Sometimes literally just saying and sometimes to others, “This is my insecurity talking” is enough to pause the spiral and defuse a lot of tension. It invites connection instead of blame.
   
2. Get Curious Instead of Reactive and Challenge the Narrative. 
   Instead of spiralling, ask yourself questions. Is there evidence this person is truly pulling away—or am I projecting? Have they actually done something hurtful, or am I reliving an old pattern? When your mind says, “I’m not good enough,” ask: Who told me that? When did I first start believing that? And most importantly: Is it true? (Spoiler again: It’s probably not).
   
3. Speak Your Needs Without Shame
   It’s okay to say, “Hey, I’m feeling a little insecure right now. Can you help talk me through it?” Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s how real intimacy is built. The people who truly care about you will appreciate your honesty more than you pretending you’re okay. This is so much harder than it sounds – believe me I know. But letting someone in, even when it’s scary, is the only way to start rewriting those internal narratives.
   
4. Heal at the Root
   Therapy, journaling, inner child work, mindfulness practices—they all help! Insecurity isn’t just a surface-level thing. It’s often deeply rooted. But the deeper the root, the more beautiful the healing when you get there. Healing means recognising those patterns, understanding where they came from, and consciously choosing a new response. Easier said than done, I know—but it’s possible. And you’re not broken or dramatic for needing to work on this.
   
5. Stop Measuring Your Worth by Someone Else’s Response
   You are worthy—PERIOD! Even if they’re having a bad day – YOU ARE WORTHY. Even if they didn’t text back right away – YOU ARE WORTHY. Even if they don’t love you the way you wish they would – YOU ARE WORTHY. That truth doesn’t change!
   
6. Practice Being Secure, Even When You Don’t Feel It. 
   Sometimes you have to act yourself into the feeling. Act like you believe you’re lovable first, your brain catches up eventually.

Final Thoughts

Here’s the thing: your insecurities aren’t some fatal flaws. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or doomed. It just means you’re human in a world that isn’t always kind to humans. Your insecurities are just unhealed parts of you, trying to protect you from pain. But protection isn’t the same as connection. The work isn’t about erasing your fear—it’s about loving yourself through it and giving the people in your life the chance to love you, too. You deserve relationships where you feel seen, safe, and loved—not ones where you’re constantly performing or second-guessing. And you don’t have to “fix” everything to be loved. You just have to be willing to show up, to communicate honestly, and to keep growing.

So be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time. But it’s worth it. And so are you.

Your advocate in personal growth and healing