Three Letters That Will Change Your Life

Three Letters That Will Change Your Life

Part 1

My dear thoughtful reader

Every week I write you a letter. Well today, I’d like to give you three. Three actual letters, I mean. Not the kind delivered by the postman – do postmen even exist anymore? Anyways, I digress, back to the topic, three letters that quietly deliver a different version of you. Last week we briefly met them, almost in passing. A tiny acronym tucked into the end of a conversation – S.H.E. I didn’t expect them to linger, but they did. And truth be told, S.H.E. was a concept that I hadn’t planned on unpacking just yet. But perhaps that’s the thing about good ideas, sometimes they don’t wait for your publishing schedule.

So here we are, we’re opening the box. We’re slowing down long enough to explore what those three little letters actually mean. S.H.E. for women. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think every woman should become the same woman. Nor do I believe that we women need yet another impossible standard to live up to. Goodness knows we’ve been handed enough of those already. And no, this is not another personality test or self-help framework promising to solve all your problems. Quite the opposite. I know that many of us have spent our entire lives becoming versions of ourselves that were convenient for everyone else. And so maybe, just maybe, it’s time to become truly ourselves on purpose.

Before we go any further though, let me also clear up something. Yes, the acronym spells S.H.E. And yes, I’m writing to women because, well… this is She Said What She Said. But the principles we’re talking about aren’t exclusively feminine. They’re human. These pillars are just as relevant for fathers raising sons as they are for mothers raising daughters. They’re just as important in boardrooms as they are in classrooms. They belong in marriages, friendships, leadership teams, families, and basically anywhere human beings are trying to navigate the wonderfully complicated business of being human.

Character has never belonged to one gender. So, although I’ll keep referring to S.H.E., don’t mistake this for an exclusive club, the philosophy belongs to anyone who wants to live with greater courage, wisdom and integrity. The acronym may say she, but the invitation is for everyone. So, without further ado, let’s talk about those three letters that could change your life.

We Have Been Taught To Become Impressive.

Yet, very few of us were taught to become whole. Think about it. From childhood we’re handed invisible report cards. Be successful. Be attractive. Be agreeable. Be exceptional. Be productive. Be liked. Be chosen. Smile more. Talk less. Dream bigger. Take up less space. Then the report card started to have contradictory expectations. Be humble, but not too humble. Be confident, but don’t intimidate anyone. Be ambitious, but don’t neglect your family. Speak up, but don’t be difficult. Be kind, but don’t let people walk all over you. Lead, but make everyone comfortable while doing it. Look beautiful, but don’t look like you tried too hard. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking (if we even started asking at all), “Who am I becoming?” instead of, “Who do I need to be so that everyone approves of me?” Those are very different questions. One builds character, the other builds performance. And performances are expensive. Not financially necessarily, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that’s because performances require an audience, and audiences are notoriously difficult to please. If one group applauds you for being strong, another will accuse you of being arrogant. If you’re soft, someone will call you weak. If you’re opinionated, you’re pushy or rude. If you’re quiet, you’re invisible. It’s almost as if the goalposts move depending on who’s watching. Which means if your identity is a matter of public opinion, you’re forever chasing a finish line that keeps relocating. If that sounds draining, well that’s because… it is.

Nevertheless, we keep chasing this finish line which leaves many of us to become professional shape-shifters. Different versions of ourselves depending on who walks into the room. The family version. The work version. The church version. The social media version. The “I’m totally fine” version. The version who laughs at jokes she doesn’t actually find funny because everyone else is laughing. The version who apologises before she’s even started speaking. The version who says, “Whatever you want…” when she’s quietly hoping someone will ask, just once, what she wants. Some of us have become so good at adapting that we’ve forgotten what authenticity even feels like. And that, dear reader, is precisely why S.H.E. matters. Because S.H.E. isn’t another mask. She’s what happens when the masks finally come off.

S.H.E. Is Not a Destination

Can I save you years of frustration? You will never wake up on a random Tuesday morning, stretch dramatically, sip your coffee and think, “Well, that’s that. I’ve officially become S.H.E. My work here is done.” How I wish personal growth worked like that. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it did though? Imagine receiving an email: “Congratulations! You have successfully completed adulthood! Please collect your certificate and complimentary emotional stability from Reception.” Sadly, there is no Reception, just life. And life has an uncanny ability to keep handing us opportunities to discover where we still have growing to do. Usually on a random Tuesday. Usually before your first cup of coffee.

And that’s what I want you to bear in mind, S.H.E. isn’t an arrival. S.H.E. isn’t perfection. S.H.E. isn’t the woman who never loses her temper, never doubts herself, never overeats, never procrastinates, never cries in the car after an awkward conversation. (Side note: if you find a woman like that, please ask her to write this blog because I’d like some notes too.) No. S.H.E. is a posture. A direction. A daily decision. S.H.E. isn’t defined by getting everything right, she’s defined by her willingness to keep becoming. Choosing. Learning. Unlearning. Adjusting. Growing. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes kicking and screaming – and usually both.

Which brings us to the first pillar and, in my opinion, the foundation upon which everything else rests.

S — She Is Secure

You’ll notice I didn’t say confident. That wasn’t an accident. Confidence is lovely, but confidence is also fickle. Confidence rises and falls depending on circumstances. You feel confident after getting the promotion, not so much after your manager says, “Can we have a chat?” You feel confident when the dress fits, but slightly less confident having to attend a formal function after the Christmas holiday. You see, confidence often depends on outcomes, security on the other hand, doesn’t. And that is why security is so much deeper.

A secure woman doesn’t need every room to approve of her before she can approve of herself. She doesn’t need unanimous applause to believe she has value. She doesn’t need every disagreement to end with her being declared the winner. She doesn’t need to be the smartest, the prettiest, the funniest, the busiest, or even the most interesting person in the room. That’s because she isn’t borrowing her worth from comparison, she’s carrying it within her. Now, that’s the difference.

Security doesn’t mean believing you’re amazing at everything. It simply means knowing your worth isn’t on trial every five minutes. Because BRUTAL TRUTH time: an insecure person experiences almost everything as a verdict. Feedback becomes rejection, disagreement becomes disrespect, someone else’s success becomes personal failure, silence becomes abandonment, a delayed text message becomes, well… let’s be honest, our brains can turn a delayed text into an entire Netflix thriller complete with plot twists, betrayal and an unnecessary soundtrack. It’s remarkable what insecurity can do with absolutely no evidence.

Security, on the other hand, creates breathing room. It allows you to pause before reacting. To become curious before becoming defensive. To ask, “Is that actually true?” instead of immediately assuming the worst. However, it must be said that security doesn’t magically appear one day. It’s built. And it begins with something many people try very hard to avoid. Self-awareness.

Security Begins with Seeing Yourself Clearly

Now before you panic and think, “Oh wonderful… another blog telling me to find myself.” Stay with me. I’m not talking about disappearing into the mountains for six months to “discover your authentic self.” (Although if someone else is paying, send me the itinerary please.) I’m talking about something much simpler and much harder. I’m talking about telling yourself the truth.

Because security is built on self-awareness, you cannot become secure if you don’t know who you are. You cannot trust someone you’ve never taken the time to understand. Most of us become experts on everyone else. We know exactly how our partner shuts down during conflict. We know which colleague craves recognition. We know our mother’s triggers, our father’s insecurities. Our best friend’s attachment style because we watched three psychology videos on YouTube and now we’re all apparently amateur therapists.

But ask us… “What really scares you?” Silence. “What about that criticism hurts you the most?” Silence. “What are you trying so desperately to prove?” Longer silence. The irony is almost painful. We spend our lives trying to understand everyone else’s behaviour while remaining complete strangers to our own. No wonder we’re drained. Because if you don’t understand yourself, life feels like you’re constantly reacting to things you can’t explain. “Why did I get so angry?” “Why did that comment stay with me for three days?” “Why do I always over-explain myself?” “Why do I struggle to say no?” “Why do I keep chasing people who clearly aren’t chasing me?”

Now, don’t get yourself in a tizz, those aren’t signs that you’re broken. Rather, they are invitations. Invitations to become curious instead of critical. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is replacing, “What’s wrong with me?” with, “Well, that’s interesting… I wonder what’s going on there?” One question is rooted in shame, the other is rooted in growth. Don’t get it twisted, secure people aren’t people who never get triggered. They’re people who are willing to investigate the trigger instead of defending it.

The Story We Tell Ourselves

Some time ago, I was privy to coaching two people (unbeknown to them) who received exactly the same feedback after delivering presentations at work. The manager smiled and said something along the lines of, “This was really good. I’d just like to see a little more structure next time.” The first person spent the rest of the day spiralling. “He hated it.” “I’m terrible at presenting.” “Everyone probably thinks I’m out of my depth.” “This is going to affect a promotion someday.” By lunchtime they had mentally resigned, packed their imaginary desk, moved to another country and started a small goat farm somewhere in the countryside. You laugh, but haven’t we all done something similar? One comment. One awkward look. One unanswered message. And suddenly our imagination has written an entire Hulu series.

The second person listened carefully, made a few notes, thanked the manager, then went back to their desk and improved the presentation. Same feedback, completely different identity. One person thought their worth had been evaluated, the other realised their work had been evaluated. That is the difference security makes. A secure person understands that criticism of what they did is not automatically criticism of who they are.

Security Shows Up Quietly

This is one of the biggest misconceptions we have. We think secure people are loud, charismatic, commanding, always speaking first, always having the final word, always having the answer. What if I told you – not necessarily. Sometimes the most secure person in the room is in fact the quiet one. The one who doesn’t feel compelled to prove they’re the smartest. The one who can say, “I don’t know.” without feeling diminished. The one who can change their mind after hearing a better argument. The one who can celebrate someone else’s success without secretly wondering what it says about their own. The one who doesn’t have to win every debate, or post every achievement, or announce every opinion. You see, security doesn’t need a microphone, it has a grounding inner voice. And that’s usually enough.

Secure In Her Relationships

This is where security becomes beautifully practical. You see, we don’t really discover how secure we are when life is easy. We discover it in relationships and REAL TALK: relationships have a funny way of exposing all the work we thought we’d already done. How is that you ask? Because relationships are mirrors. Wonderful, infuriating, but necessary mirrors. You think you’ve conquered people-pleasing until your mother asks you for “just one little favour.” Again. You think you’ve mastered boundaries until someone starts crying. You think you’ve become emotionally mature until your spouse says, “Can we talk?” Those three words have ended more peaceful afternoons than we care to admit.

You see, relationships don’t create our insecurities, they simply reveal them. And when they do, we can either keep performing for love out of fear, or we can learn to relate to people from a place of self-assurance. That’s the beautiful paradox about relationships, they don’t just expose our wounds – they also become the place where healing can be practised. That’s why security isn’t measured by how calm you are when you’re alone – security cannot be tested in isolation. It’s measured by who you become when another imperfect human inevitably bumps into your imperfections.

That’s when you see what a truly secure woman is made of. She doesn’t need to manipulate people into loving her. She doesn’t guilt them into staying. She doesn’t keep score. She doesn’t perform in exchange for affection. She doesn’t chase people who have repeatedly shown they don’t want to be caught. She doesn’t shrink herself to make insecure people feel comfortable. She doesn’t become someone else just to avoid being abandoned. She understands something that took me a long time to learn: Love that has to constantly be earned is soul-depleting. Healthy relationships aren’t built on emotional auditions, they’re built on mutual honesty, respect, and choice every single day.

I genuinely wish that I had understood this all-important truth sooner: being rejected for being yourself may hurt for a long time BUT being accepted for pretending to be someone else hurts even more eventually. And that is why secure people have boundaries. Not because they’re cold or selfish, but because they finally understand that saying yes to everyone else while constantly saying no to yourself isn’t kindness. It’s self-neglect with good manners. And goodness me, haven’t we dressed up self-neglect beautifully over the years? We call it being accommodating. Being easy-going or selfless. Being the bigger person. Now don’t misunderstand me. Kindness matters. Generosity matters. Sacrifice most certainly matters. But they cease to be virtues the moment they’re motivated by fear. HARD TRUTH: If the only reason, you’re saying yes is because you’re terrified they’ll leave, that’s not generosity, that’s anxiety. If the only reason you avoid conflict is because you desperately need everyone to like you, that’s not peace, that’s fear wearing a comfy cardigan. If your identity depends on being needed, you’ll spend your entire life rescuing people who never asked to be rescued.

Security changes that. A secure woman helps because she chooses to, not because she needs to earn her place in someone’s life. She serves from fullness, not emptiness. And that changes everything. Because when you’re secure, you’re finally free to love people instead of trying to convince them to love you. A secure woman doesn’t need to prove her worth because she has stopped questioning it.

Some time ago, I was at a networking event. The kind where everyone is wearing a name badge, balancing a drink in one hand and trying to look effortlessly successful. Within minutes of arriving, the questions began: “So… what do you do?” “Where do you work?” “How long have you been there?” “What projects are you working on?” Perfectly normal questions, necessary, even. But as I drove home that evening, I found myself wondering something I’d never really thought about before. Almost nobody had asked, “Who are you?” Not literally, of course. That would have been a wonderfully awkward conversation.

But underneath all the polite introductions, I realised something. We spend an extraordinary amount of time introducing ourselves by what we produce. Our careers, qualifications, achievements, titles, responsibilities. And while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things, I couldn’t help wondering, if all of that disappeared tomorrow, would I still know who I am? It’s an uncomfortable question. Because if the answer is no, then perhaps I’ve been carrying my identity in things that were never designed to hold it. And maybe that’s why life feels so heavy sometimes. Maybe we’re carrying more than we were ever meant to.

So, this week, before you answer the question, “What am I doing with my life?” or “What have I achieved?” or “What do people think of me?” try asking a different question. One you’ve probably avoided for far too long. Who am I before anyone starts clapping? Sit with that. Don’t rush to answer it. Some questions deserve silence before they deserve words. I have a feeling this is one of them.

Until next week, stay curious, stay courageous.

Yours,