Three Letters That Will Change Your Life

Three Letters That Will Change Your Life

Part 2

Dear thoughtful reader

ILast week, we began unpacking the first of our three letters and discovered that S.H.E. isn’t a destination. S.H.E. isn’t perfect or a woman who has life all figured out. She’s the woman who keeps choosing to become. We also discovered that becoming begins with one surprisingly unglamorous word – Security. Not confidence. Security. Why? Because confidence rises and falls with circumstances, but security remains. A secure woman knows that her worth isn’t on trial every time someone disagrees with her, overlooks her or offers constructive criticism. She has stopped borrowing her identity from things that can disappear and started building it on something far more solid.

But here’s the thing, while security is a wonderful place to begin, it just isn’t enough. “What do you mean Thoughtful Rebel? How can being secure in oneself not be enough?”  I know right? I hear you and yes while security is everything, it’s not the only thing. You see, it is entirely possible to know yourself and still lie to yourself. *Gasp!* Yip, it is totally possible to understand your patterns and continue excusing them. And it’s also absolutely possible to recognise your fears while allowing them to still quietly run your life. While security gives us the courage to look in the mirror no doubt, Honesty asks us to stop looking away. Because once you’ve developed the courage to see yourself clearly the next challenge is finding the audacity to tell yourself the truth.

If Security is the foundation of becoming S.H.E, Honesty is the doorway we must walk through if we ever hope to keep becoming. Which brings us to the second letter. And to be perfectly frank, it may just be the hardest one of all. That said, I beg you to stay with me BUT buckle up because we’re about to encounter some proper turbulence – we will make it though, I promise. READY…

H — She Is Honest

Now before we go any further, I’d like to make a public and global plea for us to please retire the phrase, “I’m just being brutally honest.” No, you’re not. In my experience, people who proudly describe themselves as brutally honest usually seem far more committed to the brutality part than they are to the honesty part. REAL TALK: Honesty was never meant to be a weapon. It’s not permission to be rude. Nor is it an excuse for poor emotional intelligence. And it’s certainly not a licence to say whatever pops into your head and then blame everyone else for being “too sensitive.” That’s not honesty. That’s carelessness in a halo.

The honesty I’m talking about looks very different. It’s quieter. Kinder. Far more courageous. And that’s because before S.H.E. is honest with the world, she’s honest with herself. Her honesty is almost always directed inward before it’s directed outwards. And if we’re being truthful, that’s usually the harder conversation.

The Lies That Sound Like Truth

Here’s the fascinating thing about dishonesty. It rarely starts with other people actually, it starts in the mirror. It sounds like this: “I’m fine.” When you’re anything but. “It doesn’t bother me.” Girl please! Who are you kidding? You’ve replayed that conversation seventeen times in your head before breakfast. “I’m over it.” Seriously!? And yet you’re secretly hoping they somehow realise what they did, feel overwhelmingly guilty, and arrive at your front door carrying flowers, an apology and perhaps baked goods. Our imaginations are wonderfully optimistic. Or perhaps my personal favourite, “I don’t care what people think.” Oh really? Then why did you spend twenty minutes rewriting a text because you were worried a full stop sounded too aggressive? Exactly!

We laugh – and yes it is indeed funny – but I know we’ve all done it. We’ve all edited ourselves. Softened ourselves. Pretended. Performed. Not because we wanted to deceive anyone but because sometimes the truth feels frightening. Sometimes admitting the truth makes it real. And reality has a way of demanding change. Let’s face it, it’s much easier to tell yourself you’re “just busy” than admit you’re burnt out. It’s far easier to tell yourself you’re “being patient” than admit you’re afraid to make a decision. It’s just way easier to say a multitude of overused and tired excuses than to say: “I’m jealous.” “I need help.” “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry.” “I’ve outgrown this.” “This relationship isn’t healthy.”

Have you ever stopped to think how much energy denial consumes? Or have you ever noticed how expensive pretending is? Because pretending IS expensive. Every mask costs something. Every performance requires maintenance. Every lie demands another lie. Entire lives are built around avoiding one uncomfortable truth. Yet, Honesty strips away all those clever disguises, and suddenly we’re left standing face to face with ourselves. PANIC! Right? Yip, for a moment, it feels as though the truth has indeed taken something away from us – the truth has a funny way of feeling like loss. But if you stay with it, wait long enough for the panic to pass – resist the urge to put the mask back on – you’ll begin to realise it wasn’t taking anything away at all. It was giving you yourself back.

You see, the truth dismantles the stories we’ve been hiding behind and makes you realise that very thing you were trying so hard to protect was never really you. Frightening I know BUT also liberating.I truly believe that there are some sentences that change lives. Not because they’re clever. But because they’re true. “I wronged you.” “Please, forgive me.” “I’m hurt.” “I don’t know.” “That’s on me.” None of those sentences make us weak. It’s insecure people that often believe honesty will expose their weakness. Secure people on the other hand realise that honesty is what builds their strength.

Think about the people you trust most. Are they perfect? Probably not, but they’re usually the ones who can admit when they aren’t. There’s something profoundly reassuring about a person who doesn’t spend all their energy trying to appear flawless. They’re easier to breathe around. Easier to connect with. Easier to love. And that’s because they’re real. Isn’t it interesting that the people who we feel safest around are rarely the ones with all the answers? They’re the ones who have the courage to tell the truth about themselves, their mistakes, their needs, their limits. For them, honesty isn’t just something S.H.E. believes, it’s something she practises. And nowhere is that practice more evident than in her relationships.

Honest In Her Relationships

This pillar changes relationships. Not overnight, but profoundly. A woman who is honest doesn’t expect people to become mind readers. She doesn’t spend three days insisting, “Nothing’s wrong,” while communicating exclusively through sighs, grunts, one-word answers and the aggressive closing of kitchen cupboards. SIDEBAR: shame, can we all agree that cupboard doors have suffered enough? Anyways, she says what needs to be said – kindly, clearly, respectfully. Not because confrontation is enjoyable, but because resentment is a big-ticket item that she simply cannot afford. She has learned that clarity is one of the kindest gifts she can offer the people she loves. After all, healthy relationships are built on communication, not clairvoyance.

Contrary to popular belief, the people we love are not equipped with Wi-Fi access to our thoughts. As disappointing as that may be, expecting mind-reading has never been a particularly effective communication strategy. Unspoken expectations have quietly destroyed more relationships than honest conversations ever have. Sometimes we expect people to apologise for wounds they don’t even know they’ve inflicted. Other times we expect our partners to notice we’re overwhelmed without us ever saying, “I could really use some help here.” And other times we expect our friends to somehow know we’ve felt neglected, while simultaneously replying, “I’m good!” every time they ask how we are. Then we’re shocked when nothing ever changes. And don’t even get me going on the silent treatment.

Honesty isn’t just about telling the truth; it’s about giving people a fair chance to respond to it. We cannot hold people accountable for conversations we’ve only ever had in our own heads – people can only respond to the conversations we’ve actually had. Communicating truthfully isn’t weakness, it’s responsible, it’s adult.  S.H.E. understands that honesty isn’t about winning an argument, it’s about protecting the relationship from assumptions. She knows the goal isn’t to be right, the goal is to be understood AND to understand. Those are not the same thing.

Honesty Liberates

Now, one of my favourite quotes says, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” How irritatingly accurate is that? Because truth has a habit of dismantling all the comfortable stories we’ve been telling ourselves. The stories that explain why we stay. Why we settle. Why we procrastinate. Why we keep repeating the same patterns while hoping for different outcomes. Honesty interrupts all of that. Not to shame us, but to free us. Because once you’ve finally said, “This is where I really am,” you’ve also taken the first step toward where you could be.

That’s the remarkable thing about honesty. It doesn’t imprison us, it liberates us. You see, pretending requires constant maintenance, masks are heavy, image management is gruelling. Performance is a full-time job. Truth, on the other hand, travels remarkably light. Which is why S.H.E. chooses it. Even when it’s uncomfortable, especially when it’s uncomfortable. An honest woman would rather face an uncomfortable truth today than live inside a comfortable lie for years. She knows that every act of honesty creates a little more freedom. A little more peace, a little more integrity, and eventually, a little more courage.

Which brings us to the final pillar. Because once you’ve become secure enough to know who you are and honest enough to tell yourself and others the truth, there’s only one question left. Now what? And the answer is beautifully simple. You live like you believe it. And that’s what it means to become Empowered.

E — She Is Empowered

Now here’s where I think we’ve done empowerment a terrible disservice. We’ve turned it into an accomplishment. Scroll through social media for five minutes and you’ll come away believing that empowerment involves announcing to the world that you’re a queen. Now just hang tight, don’t come at me, hear me out first. If calling yourself a queen genuinely reminds you of your worth, then carry on. But I’ve made a little observation: I’ve met people who constantly announce how powerful they are and I’ve met people who simply are. The second group rarely feels the need to tell you. That’s because real empowerment doesn’t spend all day introducing itself. It just quietly gets the job done. You see, power that constantly demands recognition usually isn’t power, it’s insecurity in a tiara.

A truly empowered woman doesn’t need to convince you she’s empowered; you experience it. It’s in the way she carries herself. It’s in the way she speaks. It’s in the way she treats people who can’t do anything FOR her. It’s in the way she refuses to compromise her values just to be accepted. You see, empowerment isn’t loud, aggressive, or controlling. It isn’t about dominating every conversation or having the final word. In fact, I’ve also noticed something rather interesting. The people most desperate to have the last word often aren’t the most powerful, they’re simply the most anxious. Because when your identity depends on winning every argument, any disagreement feels like survival. An empowered woman knows that peace is often a better prize than victory. Not always, but often.

Power Isn’t Control

One of the greatest misconceptions we have is believing that powerful people control other people. No, they control themselves. Anyone can lose their temper (trust me, I know). Anyone can slam a door. Anyone can fire off a text they’ll soon regret. But self-control? Now that’s considerably rare. An empowered woman knows that the greatest leadership challenge she will ever face isn’t leading a company, or a family, or a movement. It’s leading herself. Governing her emotions instead of allowing her emotions to govern her. Please note: it doesn’t mean she never gets angry. Of course she does, she’s human. She just doesn’t always hand her emotions the microphone in a conversation. And that’s because emotions make wonderful companions, but terrible CEOs.

“No” Is A Complete Sentence

This leads us to an often avoided but necessary quick conversation about one of the most empowering words in the English language? No. That’s it. Two letters. One syllable. No. Yet somehow we’ve managed to turn it into a seven-minute presentation. “I’m so sorry… I really wish I could… but it’s just that things are a little hectic right now… although perhaps next month… unless you really need me… in which case…” By the time you’ve finished explaining, you’ve accidentally volunteered anyway. Why? Because many of us were taught that saying no is selfish. Simple. That disappointing someone is unkind. That boundaries are somehow evidence of a lack of love.

Can I lovingly challenge that? Perhaps the problem isn’t that we’re saying no. Perhaps it’s that we’ve confused constant availability with faithfulness. An empowered woman understands that every yes costs something, which means every no protects something. Sometimes it protects your peace. Sometimes your marriage. Sometimes your children. Sometimes your health. Sometimes your vision. And sometimes it simply protects your sanity.

Empowerment Looks Surprisingly Ordinary

Now here’s what I’ve come to love about real empowerment. It’s rarely flashy. It’s the woman who apologises first because she values the relationship more than her ego. It’s the leader who says, “I got that wrong.” It’s the friend who celebrates your promotion without secretly making it about herself. It’s the mother who apologises to her child after losing her patience. It’s the executive who asks for feedback instead of assuming she already has all the answers. It’s choosing not to gossip even when everyone else is. It’s leaving the meeting without needing everyone to think you’re brilliant. It’s refusing to shrink but also refusing to perform. You see, empowerment is astonishingly ordinary, and yet astonishingly rare. Because ordinary courage often changes lives more than extraordinary moments.

When She Walks Into A Room…

So, people often ask what confidence looks like. Personally, I think that’s the wrong question to ask. The better question in my opinion is asking what does security, honesty and empowerment look like when they’re all exist together? And as it happens, I may have an idea, allow me to illustrate.

When she walks into a room, she doesn’t need to become someone else. She doesn’t scan the room looking for approval. She doesn’t adjust her personality depending on who has more influence. She doesn’t become louder to impress extroverts. Or quieter to make introverts comfortable. She simply arrives, fully herself. She listens more than she interrupts. She asks questions because she’s genuinely curious. She gives credit generously. She receives correction graciously. She isn’t threatened by excellence because she knows someone else’s light doesn’t dim her own. She knows that comparison is one of the quickest ways to become blind to her own gifts. She understands that another woman’s success is evidence of possibility, not evidence of her failure. Imagine how different our friendships would be if we truly believed that. Imagine how different our workplaces would become. Our families, communities – now that’s freedom.

Before We Leave…

Earlier I told you that these three letters were never really about women. They’re about people. They’re about the kind of human being the world desperately needs more of. Imagine little boys growing up believing strength includes vulnerability. Imagine little girls growing up believing kindness doesn’t require self-neglect. Imagine children hearing their parents apologise. Leaders choosing integrity over image. Imagine friendships where accountability isn’t mistaken for rejection. Imagine marriages where two secure people stop trying to one-up each other and start trying to understand each other.

This is why S.H.E. matters. Not because it’s catchy, but because language shapes culture. The words we repeat become the values we remember. And values repeated often enough become habits. Habits become character. Character becomes legacy.

So, can I ask you to do something this week? Nothing dramatic I promise. Just think on these three questions:

• When and where do you feel your sense of secure threatened?
• What truth have you been avoiding?
• What would an empowered response look like?

That’s all. Sit with those questions. Journal them. Perhaps talk them through with someone you trust. Don’t rush to answer them though, let them answer you.

Here’s what I’ve come to believe. S.H.E. isn’t something you achieve, it’s someone you practise becoming. One conversation, one decision, one apology, one boundary, one courageous act at a time until eventually – almost without noticing – you begin to naturally respond differently. Think differently. Love differently. Lead differently. Live differently. Not because you became someone new, no, but because you finally stopped pretending to be someone else.

Remember S.H.E. isn’t a destination, it’s a posture. It’s choosing curiosity over conformity, character over applause, conviction over convenience, courage over performance every single day. S.H.E. is simply what that posture begins to look like over time. Not perfect. Not finished. Not fearless. Just deeply committed to becoming.

So, the next time fear whispers, “Shrink.” Choose S.H.E. The next time insecurity whispers, “Prove yourself.” Choose S.H.E. The next time pride screams, “Defend yourself.” Choose S.H.E. The next time life asks you who you’re becoming? I hope your answer isn’t found in your job title, or your bank account, or your followers, or your achievements. I hope it’s found in your character. Because at the end of the day, people rarely remember us for what we accumulated. They remember us for how they felt when they were around us. How we loved. How we led. How we lived. For those reasons, become someone worth remembering. Become someone worth following. Become someone who quietly leaves every room a little safer, a little wiser and a little kinder than you found it. Become Secure. Become Honest. Become Empowered. Become…S.H.E.

Until next week… Stay curious. Stay courageous.

And, if I may… Stay S.H.E.

Always,