If They Really Knew Me

If They Really Knew Me, They Wouldn’t Like Me

My dear thoughtful reader

I’m curious. Do you ever walk into a room and instantly start running a mental spreadsheet:

How much of me can I show before they bolt?
Is my laugh too loud?
Did I just say the wrong thing?
If they really knew me… would they like me?

So, you calculate exactly how much of yourself would be acceptable and you play the part. You smile the right smile. You crack the jokes, but not the real ones – not the ones that reveal how your brain actually functions when you’re not filtering yourself for the comfort of others. You say what you’re supposed to say. And on the unfortunate occasion when you do say something a little “off,” something too real, you immediately feel that hot rush of panic: “Did I just say too much?” “Did I just give too much away?” That terror is sickening, isn’t it?

That moment when you realise that people have caught a glimpse of what is really behind the well-curated mask and well… they are probably repulsed by you now. That “truth” is firmly on repeat in your mind over and over again. Right? Well… guess what? You are not alone. This theatre is crowded with well-rehearsed performers. Grab a seat. In fact, I saved you one right up front, right next to yours truly – yes – ME.

CONFESSION TIME: oooohhhh I’ve been there girl. More times than I’d like to admit. I’ve been that overthinking mess too, the queen of “let me dial this crazy down before I scare everyone away.” And honestly? It’s soul-crushing. Life-draining. And downright… deceitful! But the truth is – and I’m gonna hit you with it straight – the reason we’re so terrified that if they really knew us, they wouldn’t like us… Is because we haven’t fully accepted ourselves. PERIOD. And that? Is the real problem.

That One Time I Tried to Be “Normal” (And Failed Miserably)

Okay, so, let me take you back. There once was a time when I tried to tone down my… let’s call it “colourful” personality at a dinner party. Now I’m normally the type who is loud, a little extra, and usually halfway through an animated monologue before you can even blink. But this time? I was going to be different. I put on my “stylish and sophisticated” face, no jokes that might offend, no passionate opinions on anything. Just safe, polite smiles and nods. About 20 minutes in (and I don’t even remember why or how), I accidentally let slip that I binge-watch melodramatic teen-dramas series as a guilty pleasure. Dead silence. I instantly regretted it. Eventually, one brave soul blinked and said, “Oh. Didn’t see that coming.” Needless to say, I DIED! I wanted to crawl under the table and disappear.

I spent the rest of the night trying to claw my way back to being palatable. I mentally erased the comment, dimmed my laugh, and offered agreeable nods as if I were trying to reapply a mask that had slipped. I walked away from that dinner not thinking “they didn’t get me”. No, that would’ve been way too self-compassionate, I walked away thinking I was too much. “I shouldn’t have said that.” “And now, they don’t like me. In fact, they all hate me!” Moral of the story? Hiding who you are doesn’t make you normal. It just makes you boring, and honestly, kind of lonely. Also (side note), maybe it’s time I indulged in more age-appropriate guilty pleasures… NOT!

Why We Fear Rejection (And It’s Not Because of Them)

Let’s cut the fluff, shall we? Fear of rejection isn’t an arbitrary fear we picked up on a random Tuesday afternoon. It’s built over time. Most of us, whether we want to admit it or not, live with some version of the same fear. The fear that “if people knew the real me – if they saw the whole picture – they’d cut and run.” That belief doesn’t always shout. Sometimes it simply speaks in low hush tones around every corner. Like the times when you don’t text back right away because you’re afraid you’ll seem too eager. Or the times when you water down your opinions so you’re not “too much.” You avoid deep vulnerability, not because you’re cold or distant, but because the closer someone gets, the more visible your cracks become. And those cracks? They’re all you’ve been trying to hide.

Now, it doesn’t take many of these moments to form a belief. A core belief at that. A lie we wear as truth: “If I want to be loved, I have to be less of me.” And that belief? It sticks. Even as we grow. Even as we heal. Even as we build better relationships and live bigger and better lives. It stays in the back of our minds like an overprotective bodyguard telling us to stay safe, stay hidden, stay small.Unfortunately, what I’ve come to learn (UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH ALERT) this isn’t because everyone else’s standards are impossible. No, it’s because deep inside, we don’t believe we’re lovable as-is. We fear rejection from others because we haven’t fully accepted ourselves. Sit with that for a minute. Let it sting if it needs to. I’ll wait.

The reason you believe others wouldn’t accept the real you is because you haven’t accepted the real you. You see your flaws as fatal. Your insecurities as proof that something is indeed wrong with you. Your darkness as something to run from. So, you assume everyone else will feel the same. You’ve built this exhausting mental gym of self-judgment, running laps around every weird thought, every shortcoming, every “too much” part of yourself. You’ve made yourself the prosecutor, the judge, and the jury and your verdict on yourself is GUILTY! And instead of challenging that, you go looking for confirmation. You read every look, every silence, every unanswered message as evidence that you were right to hide.  

BUT WHAT IF you’re not too much? WHAT IF you’re exactly as much as you need to be? WHAT IF the part of you you’re most afraid to reveal is the exact part that would make someone else feel seen, understood, less alone? Yet when you’re still wrestling with your own self-worth, you show up in life thinking, “Better keep quiet or they’ll hate you.” And so, you mute yourself. I know, been there. In fact, I once had anxiety so bad that I didn’t show up for a lunch at all because I was convinced they’d secretly hate me for saying too much yet again.

So, Let’s Talk About Self-Acceptance (The Real Kind)

These days, you can’t scroll for more than two seconds without seeing some version of the messaging: “Love yourself unconditionally.” “You are enough.” “Accept yourself exactly as you are.” And listen, I’m here for it. Really, I am. I even say that stuff. I believe that messaging is necessary. But REAL TALK: can we address how this sometimes gets twisted? There’s a version of self-love being sold right now that feels more like denial than empowerment. One that says, “I don’t have to change anything about myself ever,” and calls that healing. Listen, if you believe this, I hate to tell you but that’s not self-love. That’s Ego with a capital “E” – nothing more.

HARD TRUTH: sometimes “accepting yourself” is really code for never holding yourself accountable. We start saying things like, “Well, this is just how I am,” when what we really mean is, “I don’t want to confront the uncomfortable truth that I could do better.” Been there too. I used to say I was “just being brutally honest,” but if I’m being truly real? I was sometimes just… brutal (see the letter from two weeks ago). PERIOD! I thought my sharp tongue was part of my charm. “I tell it like it is,” I’d say with pride. But it wasn’t pride, it was protection. I used bluntness as a way to keep people at arm’s length. If I wounded you first, you couldn’t hurt me later. That wasn’t self-love. That was a defence mechanism wearing lip gloss.

HARD TRUTH (PRO MAX): real self-acceptance actually says: “I see all of me. The messy, the magical, the parts that still ache, and the parts that need growth. I accept myself fully in this moment. But because I love myself, I will also evolve.” You see, self-love and self-acceptance isn’t about never changing. It’s about changing for the right reasons. Not to earn love, but because you already love yourself enough to become who you know you can be – the best version of you.

*SPOILER ALERT*: Self-Acceptance Isn’t a “One and Done” either – thank God for that! This is the messy part that no one tells you, so I’m going to.Self-acceptance isn’t some magical “I’m perfect” checkbox you tick once and forget. Nope. It’s a wild, ongoing conversation between you and your reflection. Some days you love your messy hair and your sharp wit. Other days you hate your stubborn streak and your tendency to overthink. For me? I’ve spent years trying to accept my chronic “resting sass face” that people constantly misread as “I’m judging you.” It took a while to realise,
that face? It’s not rude, it’s just honest. And guess what? People who get thrown by it aren’t my tribe anyway. BUT that said…

Some Parts of You Don’t Need to Be Accepted Though

They Need to Be Challenged. Let me say that again – not every part of you is sacred. Some parts of you were born from trauma. Some were learned in survival. Some were modelled by broken people who didn’t know any better. And some parts of you? Well… You built them to protect yourself. But now they’re hurting you more than they’re helping. I’ll be the first to confess that there are parts of me that were forged in survival – yet survival doesn’t equal truth. For example, take the silent treatment I gave people when I felt rejected? Learned that from the school playground where silence meant control.

Perhaps you can relate. Like perhaps the part of you that self-sabotages every time you get close to something good. The part of you that pushes people away because intimacy feels dangerous. Or the part of you that believes your worth is tied to your performance or productivity. Let me tell you, unfortunately, these are not “quirks” to be preserved. They’re wounds to be healed. FACT: not every part of you deserves a place in your next chapter. And that’s okay. Self-acceptance doesn’t mean embracing your every dysfunction like it’s a personality trait. It means loving yourself enough to confront the dysfunction – and rewrite it. “I accept myself exactly as I am… and I love myself too much to stay here.” That’s the shift. That’s growth.

But listen-up real close. There’s also a dangerous myth floating around that says that wanting to change something about yourself is basically saying, “I’m not enough.” Ugh… what a load of crock! Wanting to grow is not a sign you’re broken. Quite the opposite. It’s a sign you’re alive. Your desire for growth doesn’t cancel your worth, it celebrates it. You prune a rosebush not because it’s broken, but because you want it to flourish. You don’t need to fix yourself to be worthy, but you can love yourself into better.

I had this phase where I clung to my “edgy” cynicism like it was my birthright because, hey, it was my armour against disappointment. But guess what? That armour was also a prison cell called loneliness. So, I started small – like, really small – by softening my sarcasm during serious talks. (I know, scandalous.) Did I lose my edge? Nah. Did I become more likable? Yip. Did I finally feel like I was steering my own ship? Hell yea!

How to Know the Difference:

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement

Here’s a little guide I use. (You know I love a little duality.)

Question	Self-Acceptance Says	Self-Improvement Says
“Is this really who I am?”	“Yes, and I honour that.”	“Maybe, but do I want this to be who I am?”
“Why do I do this?”	“Because it’s a learned response, and I’m not bad for it.”	“But does this serve the life I want?”
“Do I need to change?”	“Only if I want to.”	“Let me get curious about what’s holding me back.”
“Will people love me if I grow?”	“The right ones will.”	“And I’ll love myself even more, too.”

The key is balance. Self-acceptance without accountability becomes complacency. Self-improvement without compassion becomes cruelty. But when you marry the two? That’s where the magic lives.

The Bold and the Beautiful Paradox

So, here’s the paradox: You need to accept yourself fully – the messy, the magnificent, the infuriating – and also be brave enough to say, “Hey, some of this? Yeah, it’s gotta go.” Self-love isn’t about staying the same. It’s about respecting yourself enough to grow. Imagine this: You’re a houseplant. Self-acceptance is realising you’re worthy of sunlight and water right now. Self-development? That’s trimming off the dead leaves so you can bloom brighter.

When I Finally Let Them See the Real Me… Spoiler Alert: They Didn’t Run

One of my best friendships started when I dropped my guard on a coffee date and said something embarrassing that I can’t remember right now but it could as well have been about my irrational fear of dying alone surrounded by cats. (Because yes, that’s a real fear. AND I actually don’t like cats!) My friend laughed at me. She apologised while still laughing and we began to laugh together. That moment? It changed me. It felt like coming up for air after holding my breath too long. It reminded me that hiding robs us  and others of connection. That real love, real friendship, real belonging? It starts when we stop performing.

You see, as it turns out, my bestie has the uncanny trait of sometimes laughing at inappropriate times just like me! The reason we connected was because I would have done the same thing. Instead of showing compassion at someone’s fear (appropriate reaction) I would have laughed too at how ridiculous it sounded, and then I would have shown compassion and said something thoughtful and deep. Don’t get me wrong, my bestie and I are capable of depth, compassion, empathy, and understanding, and we show it very freely; BUT we also enjoy some bizarre, dark humour, and can find comedy in almost anything. I love that about us!  

That coffee date showed me that people don’t want the “perfect” version of you. They want the real version – flaws, fears, sassy comebacks and all. And for those who can’t handle it, it’s ok to let them walk away.

Final Thoughts from Your Thoughtful Rebel

If you’re reading this and feeling the weight of all the parts of you you’ve been hiding, here’s my challenge: Stop being so damn polite to yourself. You can be real and still be evolving. You can be honest and still be healing. You can be messy and still be magnetic. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to be loud. You’re allowed to say the weird things, the “too much” things, the “maybe they won’t like this” things.

And if someone doesn’t like all of you? That’s not a big deal. Let them go. They’re allowed. But also? Don’t use self-acceptance as an excuse to stay stuck. Change isn’t a betrayal, it’s a love letter you write to your future self. So go on, show up. Be messy. Be fierce. Be evolving. Be real. Believe you’re worth being seen. Because the only thing worse than them not liking the real you… Is you not liking the real you.

all My sass and love,