If Only

“If Only” is a Liar (and It’s Stealing Your Life)

My dear thoughtful reader

There’s a phrase that I have come to despise with all my heart because even though it sounds innocent, it is secretly out here ruining lives. What’s worse is that it’s not a drawn-out complicated statement either. Not at all, it’s two tiny words that, when strung together, create a thousand invisible cages. You can’t see them, but you feel them. That slow, heavy drag on your soul? That whisper that shows up right before you try something bold. That feeling of being so close to living but never quite hitting “go”.

Yeah? Do you know it too? If you haven’t figured it out yet I’m still sure that you have experience the destructive effects of this statement in your life at some point. I’m talking about “If Only”.

The “If Only” Trap

It’s an all too familiar voice that creeps in during everyday moments, like when you’re in a bus stuck in deep traffic thinking, “If only I had a car.” Or how about at work chasing a hectic deadline thinking, “If only I had followed my passion.” Or (my personal favourite) you’re scrolling through social media and there it is—a photo of someone who seems to have it all together. The perfect job, dreamy vacations, glowing skin, a loving partner, and you feel it rise up in your chest—“If only my life looked like that.” Right!? Come on… admit it, we’ve all been there, we’ve all felt it:

• “If only I had more time, I’d finally go back to school.”
• “If only I looked better, I’d feel confident enough to date again.”
• “If only I didn’t mess up that opportunity, I’d be further ahead.”
• “If only I had more money, I’d go after what I want.”

Don’t feel bad, all of us carry a mental checklist of what’s missing from our lives, what should have been, and what still needs to happen before we can be truly happy.

This is what I call the “If Only” trap. It’s a sneaky, subtle mindset that convinces us that real life—the good part—hasn’t started yet. It says we’re in the prequel, and the actual story begins later, after some magical shift in our situation. This is a lie! Say it with me “If Only” is a Liar! It sells you the illusion that the present moment is an inconvenient waiting room, and your dreams are locked behind a barricaded door that someone else holds the key to. But in reality? It doesn’t work like that. “What do you mean?” I hear you ask? Well, here’s the raw truth: THERE IS NO MAGICAL SHIFT. And even if there was, it doesn’t always come. And even if it came, it won’t deliver the deep satisfaction you imagined. Why? Because you’ve trained yourself to live in a state of waiting.

Waiting for things to be right.
Waiting for the right circumstances.
Waiting to meet the right people.
Waiting for others to get with the programme.
Waiting to feel good.

REALITY CHECK: life is happening whether you’re ready for it or not. Every moment spent wishing things were different is a moment stolen from what is. And even when what is sucks, behind all that suck-ness lies opportunity. Now don’t get me wrong, we all do it. We glamorise a future version of ourselves—the one who has it all figured out, who wakes up early, eats clean, takes risks, smiles effortlessly. And we tell ourselves that when that happens, then we’ll finally get to feel joy. But that mindset is a trap. A loop. A self-fulfilling cycle that keeps us chasing happiness like it’s a finish line, instead of a feeling we’re allowed to experience right now.

And what’s worst? It steals the present from us. The only time we actually have. We romanticise the roads we didn’t take. We replay conversations we should’ve had. We imagine ourselves ten kgs lighter, ten years younger, ten steps ahead—never where we actually are. What in fact the “If Only” trap does is put your power somewhere else. On a future version of you. On a past decision. On someone else’s approval. On conditions being just right.

But here’s the HARD TRUTH: the life you want won’t wait for you to feel ready. And it sure as hell won’t wait for your ‘if onlys’ to resolve themselves. The longer you stay tangled up in the “If Only” trap, the less you will trust the present moment. The less you will believe in your ability to create, to pivot, to begin again. Hear me say this to you thoughtful reader, you are able to begin again—over and over, as many times as it takes!

Personal Anecdote Time

Once upon a time I was sitting across from a friend in a coffee shop, picking apart a blueberry muffin I think it was. I had just told her about this call I felt I had on my heart to start putting the going-ons in my mind on paper. And the first thing out of my mouth afterward was:

“But if only I was an English literary major, then I’d have more confidence in my writing skills… if only I had a clearer plan… if only I were more self-assured…”

She looked at me with all her wisdom and said, “That’s a lot of if onlys. You gonna let those run your life?” Let me tell you, it STUNG! Because she was right. Truth be told, at the time, I didn’t need someone to coddle me. I needed someone to lovingly slap me awake. And what I realised was this: 

“If Only” is a dressed-up excuse. It feels productive. It feels thoughtful. But it’s just fear wearing a rational outfit. FACT! 

I’ve come to realise that “If only” statements are more often than not code for deeper fears. They protect us from the risk of trying and failing – if we never start, we never have to face rejection. If we’re always waiting for something to change, we don’t have to take uncomfortable action now. You see, “If Only” gives us something to blame. It lulls us into the false security that it’s safer to sit in the comfort of what could have been than to risk what could still be. It deceives us into the belief that saying “If only things were different,” rather than saying “Maybe I can do something about this” is in fact better.  And perhaps and the saddest part of all is that “If Only” dupes us into accepting that there’s nothing we can do in the present but wait, things will eventually come right. What we miss in believing that is the growth that happens in seizing the now. Fulfilment lives in the messy middle of right now—not in some distant, perfect future.

So Why Do We Cling to “If Only”?

Because it’s safer than saying “I’m scared.” It’s easier than saying “I don’t know how.” And finally (this is a big one) if we keep telling ourselves “if only,” we don’t have to face the fact that we could take action—but we’re choosing not to. “If only” is sometimes a way of buying time, but more often than not, it’s a way of avoiding truth. Believe me I say this with love, not judgment. I’ve been there. We all have. We were taught to play small. We were all taught to wait. To wait for the right timing, the right opportunity, the perfect body, the clean slate. But guess what? There’s no right time. There’s just now. And now is where your life actually happens.

Here’s what “if only” doesn’t want you to know:

• You don’t need your whole life sorted out to take the next step.
• You don’t need ideal conditions to live a beautiful life.
• You don’t need to feel 100% confident to try.
• You don’t need everyone’s approval before you begin.
• You don’t need closure to find peace.
• You don’t need everything you lost to build something better.
• You don’t even need to believe in yourself every day—just enough to not give up.
• And you definitely don’t need to wait until you’re less scared.

Fear is not a red light. It’s a sign you’re close to something that matters.

How Then Do I Break Free and Move Forward From “If Only”?

Well, before I give you my list I feel that I should just warn you (SPOILER ALERT):

It’s messy. Oh, it’s GLORIOUSLY messy!

But it’s also full of things that “If Only” can never deliver: satisfaction, surprise, confidence, actual joy—not the imagined, one-day kind, but the kind that shows up unannounced in a Tuesday afternoon laugh or a morning walk where you realise, “I did something brave.” You might not get it perfect—in fact, you won’t. You might not feel ready—you won’t. BUT you willstart living like the main character in your own story—not a background extra in someone else’s fantasy.

Here’s What I Want You to Do This Week:

1. Recognise the Pattern
   Start noticing when you say or think “if only.” Awareness is the first (and most powerful) step. Catch it in real-time. Challenge it. Ask these questions instead: “What can actually help me keep moving forward?” “What do I have control over right now?” “What’s the smallest step I could take today, even if I’m scared?”
2. Flip the Script
   Turn “if only” into “even though.”
   → Even though I don’t have it all figured out, I’m starting anyway.
   → Even though I’m scared, I’m showing up.
   → Even though I feel stuck today, I’m still going to make one small action towards my growth.
3. Act Small, Act Now
   Big change doesn’t require big leaps. It starts with tiny, brave steps. Call a friend. Go for that walk. Apply for the job. Write the first paragraph. The magic is in motion – one little inch of movement beats kilometres of overthinking.
4. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
   Life is messy, and that’s beautiful. You don’t need a polished version of yourself to be worthy of good things. Progress matters more than perfection.
5. Practice Gratitude for the Now
   Every morning (or night), write down three things you’re grateful for today. Not someday. Not when you “get there.” But now. This trains your brain to find joy in the present.

Here’s the truth I’ve come to believe: the life we want isn’t waiting at the end of some “if only.” It’s available to us now—in imperfect conversations, half-formed dreams, and small wins. 

But What If I Fail?

You most certainly might. You might try something, and it falls flat. You might speak up and get ignored. You might leave and feel lonely for a bit. You might apply and not get it. But SO WHAT? You know what’s worse than failing? Never giving yourself the chance to find out. You can recover from failure. You can course-correct, recalibrate, redo. But you can’t get back time you gave away to fear, doubt, and delay. Let the fear of missing your own life be bigger than the fear of messing it up.

So Let’s Rewrite Some of the Narrative

Let’s turn:

“If only I had the courage…”
into
“What would happen if I found ten seconds of bravery?”

“If only I had more time…”
into
“What can I do with the time I do have today?”

“If only things were different…”
into
“What are the opportunities hidden in things as they are?”

Final Thoughts, Rebel to Rebel

Listen, I know life is messy. And I know the reasons you’ve waited feel valid. And maybe they are. But if you’re reading this, chances are you’re craving a shift. A stirring has started. And no amount of “if only” thinking is going to scratch that itch. So, what if today is the day you stop waiting for perfect? What if you stop treating your life like a dress rehearsal? What if you finally let now be enough?

You are not too late.
You are not too broken.
You are not too far behind.

You’re right on time—for your next beginning. I’ll be cheering you on, loudly and rebelliously, from my side of the page with grit, grace, and just enough audacity.

Always in your corner